This body aches
Turns out what the elders speak of is true
Bodies creak and moan
In this new soundtrack to life
Mornings are hard
Stiff joints and tight muscles
More work to keep steady and healthy 
Or some notion of healthy
Than it used to take
Running just to stay still
Is how it feels sometimes
Though I'm clearly not going out running

I remember my wife’s Oma, her grandmother, saying years ago
“Getting old is no fun”
And I see bits and pieces of it now
I feel the shifting and the transitions
It's like a video game when a vehicle or city or something needs constant maintenance to run 
And just as one piece is cared for another needs attention
And sometimes you let one thing get really bad cause there just isn't enough time or resources
And then you rush to care for it,
To catch up
And sometimes you're successful
And sometimes not

It can feel like too much 
Like maybe it's easier to just lay down and let it all unravel 
Let it all spool out on its own til it comes to its own conclusion
Not winning the game but not playing by its rules either
And just letting the end come
As it will for all of us

But that's no fun either
Sure, less attention on the upkeep
But more attention on the breaking down
And that breaking down aint pleasant either
So I guess it's trying to do the upkeep while enjoying the ride
Maybe that's a thing to focus on 

It's so easy to push and push and say I need to do better
Look at them they're so in shape and healthy 
And sometimes I feel bad and ashamed of my body
My too big and soft belly 
My sore and injured ankles
My wrist that pains me
My back
Oh now it's my back that needs all the attention
Hips and abs and glutes and joints
So many joints in my lower back and pelvis
Pelvis to sacrum
Pelvis to itself
Pelvis to hip sockets

Sigh
Such a sacred bowl and it's calling out to me
Hey
Down here
I need you too.
Don't forget that I'm central to all the ways you want to move in the world
All the ways you want to walk and dance and sit and crawl and play
And bend and twist and 
Simply be

Honor me
Attend to me
Strengthen and stretch and help with these connections
I look there and see there's so much holding 
Holding tight and scared
Holding firm 
Holding it all together
Keeping it all under control
But this holding is burying something too 
Buried fear 
Buried doubt
Buried curiosity and possibility
Buried expression
Buried acceptance of my size and fluidity 
Buried being seen and beheld

Like a great Rainbow
Or a giant Iroko tree
Hidden deep within
Just being themselves without fanfare 
Without rolling thunder and drama

A tree 
Not to be confused with any other
Just growing
Firm and strong with deep ancestral roots
Expanding to the broad wide open sky
Sacred and reaching towards the light that is life

A rainbow
Reflecting and refracting sacred light
Arching beautifully across the sky
After a storm or summer rain
Radiant glory and color

Look in the direction your shadow points you towards 
And bring your gaze upwards 
There you will see the rainbow

Such instructions

Let your shadow lead you to the brilliant light show in the sky
Upwards and outwards instead of down and in
Maybe that's my time now
Up and out
Leaving the inwards gazing
of winter's reflection to the shine and glory of summer

The desire to plumb the depths of that shadow
Diving inwards
Following a well worn trail delving deeper and deeper 
Falling into the morass of self doubt, self loathing, fear and shame
Of the shouldas and couldas and wouldas

A path of grinding the pain deeper 
To simply feel something
Anything
As I live in a world guiding me to numb out
to consume
to feel anything else but who I am
Maybe to learn something in order to live better
Maybe

But maybe it's more important now to simply look up
To remember that the point isn't to get lost looking into the deep dark of my shadow
but to notice the rainbow quietly arcing above me
To be the rainbow


And maybe like the great Iroko tree
To draw strength and nourishment from my roots
Letting them secure me to this life
A life full of joy and sorrow
of pain and peace
Of all of it
While extending outwards and upwards
Reaching towards light and life and possibility 
Letting this growth energize me too

To look towards hope and beauty instead of towards the hurts and doubts
May I hold dear and close the tender excitement and wonder at not knowing 
The activation of the seed planted in the mysterious darkness
Whose purpose is to extend upwards into the light
Rooted always in this mystery, 
Grounding it
Yet seeking this other wonder
Beckoned upwards and outwards
Looking up to the sky
Open and accepting 
Of this life
And what is still possible

Let's do this instead.