Poetry/Writings

I wish fathers loved better

 
I wish fathers loved better

I have grown up watching them 
and movies of them 
and tv shows of them 
and read stories of them 
All sacrificing themselves for their notions of
Their community
Their world
Their children and family
Their freedom

Willing to provide
To protect
To kill
To die 
But few willing to really live

I have seen fathers bear the weight and burden of living 
day after day after day
I have seen them ground down
Working themselves 
And being worked 
To death

I have seen fathers hold close 
their grief and rage and tears
Standing firm and tall 
Holding their hearts in a vice grip 
Do not cry do not cry do not cry
I have seen them drink and drug and debate and fight
Even those they say they love
All to hide the pain
To hide everything

I come from those fathers

But I am not a father like that

My strength is not based on who I can defeat
Proving that I'm better 
My courage is not in facing death
Willing to die for my cause
My serenity is not from hiding and pretending all is fine
Calm in the numbing, the avoiding
The silencing or the not caring 

Feel all of who you are
Live awake and sober 
Even in a world designed to make you forget 
A world built to grind away any semblance of personhood
Love tenderly
Cry easily
Laugh deep and pure with your belly shaking and your face open to the sun

Hold close your children
Letting your heart be open to their love 
A love which is exponentially greater than anything you could ever imagine existing
Let it in
All of it
Let your heart break as it fills and grows beyond its capacity
Beyond what you had ever thought possible
Beyond what you had ever allowed yourself to feel

Cause love is scary

It's the place where tender dreams and hopes are born 
And broken and get pushed away 
To get on with the tasks and to-dos of the day to day
Love is the place where we are exposed and confused 
Where we protected ourselves from
Yet where we longed to be seen and heard and held
And came back to again and again
Cause maybe this time would be different

So have the strength, courage and serenity that lets love be the guide

Love yourself in the work you do
Love yourself in the way you play and laugh and rejoice
Love your god, gods, goddesses
Love your ancestors
Love your lovers
Love your friends
Love your body
Love your wholeness and your parts
Love your ability to feel, anything 
Love yourself in your fumbles 
Love yourself every time you get back up
Love your longings 
Love your breath and the chance you have to come back to yourself again and again
Love this precious life and this precious journey
Love the endings and beginnings
Births and deaths
The changes everyday 
All the time
For that's all we have

Let something emerge from that love
Water it, hold it
Nourish it and see what it has to offer you
And what you have to offer this life
Love these questions
Love these curiosities
Love yourself
And walk in the world with your tenderness
Your preciousness
Your heart 
More open than you ever thought possible

I will meet you there

Lightning Bugs

 
Lightning bugs swoop in the humid night air
Bursts of bright green light-trails curl in the thick wetness of summer
Echoing fireworks 
Rockets and bombs bursting red glare 
That left trails of smoke drifting in the dark
Covering a city
A forest
A mountain
In yesterday's celebration of our so called Freedom

Today it was hot
And the air humid and thick 
Sweat just sitting and soaking on my body
Making everything sticky to the touch
Flesh to flesh, foot to floor, hand to railing, belly to shirt
But the sun wasn’t one to be left out either 
Beating heat down on my shoulders and neck
Anytime I went outside

Finally though it set
Letting dark skies and a cooler breeze drift in
I sat outside in relief and looked up
Cloud cover hid the stars but were suddenly illuminated with other flashes
Other rumblings 
Thunder this time 
Nature's fireworks

Is Sango celebrating this so called time of independence 
Does this orisa care for our country's ideas of freedom and victory
Does he rejoice in one colonizer overthrowing another
Or is he demonstrating a larger 
Deeper power
Laughing at our little bursts of reds and blues
Our petty explosions in the night air trying to recall the glory of battles won

He plays across the vastness of the heavens
With his bolts of brilliance dancing across the sky
Cloud to cloud
Cloud to earth
Dancing as the air cracks and splits carrying 
His laughter rolling across the treetops
Across the city
Across the mountain
Across the ocean

And what do these fireflies
These lightning bugs 
say to it all
To human and nonhuman echos of light in the night
A night that for them is 
Steady 
Consistent in the summer’s dusk to its deep dark
Their fiery dances will continue 
Long after the smoky haze drifts away 
Long after the summer thunderstorm streams through

What do they notice in the skies above 
Do they see our celebration 
Our godsesses
Maybe their own
Do they reach upwards in ecstasy
Longing to be reunited with the greatness flashing above them

I don't think so
I think they 
As we do
Orient to those who speak a language we understand
Lightning
Lightning bug
Fireworks
Firefly
Those are our words for them
Light and Fire
But what do they call themselves 
They know their people just as we know ours
Yet can we be open to this fire and light on their own terms
To listen and see in their language
Enough to come together in relationship as siblings
As partners
As elders 
or more likely 
as juniors
In this life

They may not see our fireworks as wondrous 
Though they may wonder at them
They may not see lightning as their god
But still relate to its presence 
Or not
As dark deepens I close my laptop 
Letting this light and my thinking rest in the wonder of the dancing that surrounds me

More life I have lived than remains

 
This body aches
Turns out what the elders speak of is true
Bodies creak and moan
In this new soundtrack to life
Mornings are hard
Stiff joints and tight muscles
More work to keep steady and healthy 
Or some notion of healthy
Than it used to take
Running just to stay still
Is how it feels sometimes
Though I'm clearly not going out running

I remember my wife’s Oma, her grandmother, saying years ago
“Getting old is no fun”
And I see bits and pieces of it now
I feel the shifting and the transitions
It's like a video game when a vehicle or city or something needs constant maintenance to run 
And just as one piece is cared for another needs attention
And sometimes you let one thing get really bad cause there just isn't enough time or resources
And then you rush to care for it,
To catch up
And sometimes you're successful
And sometimes not

It can feel like too much 
Like maybe it's easier to just lay down and let it all unravel 
Let it all spool out on its own til it comes to its own conclusion
Not winning the game but not playing by its rules either
And just letting the end come
As it will for all of us

But that's no fun either
Sure, less attention on the upkeep
But more attention on the breaking down
And that breaking down aint pleasant either
So I guess it's trying to do the upkeep while enjoying the ride
Maybe that's a thing to focus on 

It's so easy to push and push and say I need to do better
Look at them they're so in shape and healthy 
And sometimes I feel bad and ashamed of my body
My too big and soft belly 
My sore and injured ankles
My wrist that pains me
My back
Oh now it's my back that needs all the attention
Hips and abs and glutes and joints
So many joints in my lower back and pelvis
Pelvis to sacrum
Pelvis to itself
Pelvis to hip sockets

Sigh
Such a sacred bowl and it's calling out to me
Hey
Down here
I need you too.
Don't forget that I'm central to all the ways you want to move in the world
All the ways you want to walk and dance and sit and crawl and play
And bend and twist and 
Simply be

Honor me
Attend to me
Strengthen and stretch and help with these connections
I look there and see there's so much holding 
Holding tight and scared
Holding firm 
Holding it all together
Keeping it all under control
But this holding is burying something too 
Buried fear 
Buried doubt
Buried curiosity and possibility
Buried expression
Buried acceptance of my size and fluidity 
Buried being seen and beheld

Like a great Rainbow
Or a giant Iroko tree
Hidden deep within
Just being themselves without fanfare 
Without rolling thunder and drama

A tree 
Not to be confused with any other
Just growing
Firm and strong with deep ancestral roots
Expanding to the broad wide open sky
Sacred and reaching towards the light that is life

A rainbow
Reflecting and refracting sacred light
Arching beautifully across the sky
After a storm or summer rain
Radiant glory and color

Look in the direction your shadow points you towards 
And bring your gaze upwards 
There you will see the rainbow

Such instructions

Let your shadow lead you to the brilliant light show in the sky
Upwards and outwards instead of down and in
Maybe that's my time now
Up and out
Leaving the inwards gazing
of winter's reflection to the shine and glory of summer

The desire to plumb the depths of that shadow
Diving inwards
Following a well worn trail delving deeper and deeper 
Falling into the morass of self doubt, self loathing, fear and shame
Of the shouldas and couldas and wouldas

A path of grinding the pain deeper 
To simply feel something
Anything
As I live in a world guiding me to numb out
to consume
to feel anything else but who I am
Maybe to learn something in order to live better
Maybe

But maybe it's more important now to simply look up
To remember that the point isn't to get lost looking into the deep dark of my shadow
but to notice the rainbow quietly arcing above me
To be the rainbow


And maybe like the great Iroko tree
To draw strength and nourishment from my roots
Letting them secure me to this life
A life full of joy and sorrow
of pain and peace
Of all of it
While extending outwards and upwards
Reaching towards light and life and possibility 
Letting this growth energize me too

To look towards hope and beauty instead of towards the hurts and doubts
May I hold dear and close the tender excitement and wonder at not knowing 
The activation of the seed planted in the mysterious darkness
Whose purpose is to extend upwards into the light
Rooted always in this mystery, 
Grounding it
Yet seeking this other wonder
Beckoned upwards and outwards
Looking up to the sky
Open and accepting 
Of this life
And what is still possible

Let's do this instead.