And your task Today is the same as Yesterdays
Bend down and touch the Earth
Smell its life and decay
Listen to its silence and depth
Its roars and song
Its crashes and its stillness

Let this voice penetrate your heart 
Sliding past the noise of your busy mind
Trying to figure out the best strategies and tactics
Trying to manage your fragility, anger and fear

Instead 
Pour libations to your ancestors
Call to them in the sacred caves of your being
To support this journey you are blessed to be on

Let the sun bathe you 
Let the wind play on your face 
Let the ocean waves lick against your feet
Or crash against your body
Give thanks to the beings seldom seen 
Honor them and their constant love for you

Let these sacred relationships guide each step
Each breath
Send love to the soil beneath your feet 
To the air itself and the beings that surround you
Receive the love and support that they return to you as well

All of nature sings with you
Sings for you
Even as your despair and broken heart 
Tries to shield and protect you
From feeling helpless and alone

Don't forget the wonder of this life 
Because you don't know what to do
Because you are afraid
Because you are angry

Trust and feel into the present 
Today
Because this is where you are

With the Earth
The Ocean
The Wind 
The Trees
Your Ancestors 
The Divine
And each other
All Together
Because this is where you are
This is where your liberation calls to you
Today

Go to the river she lovingly said
There's no need to push
Plenty of time before they come

My heart is in shambles
Obviously so
So I go

I bring offerings
Audaciously orange marigolds
Respectfully plucked from the front of our home
Their pungent odor lingering on my fingers
Forcing me to recognize their power

Forest and mountain hold the river close
Hard rocks perch along its banks
Here the river is gentle and quiet
There it is tumultuous and loud
It all seems a rush
I sit down

Late daylight illuminates the yellow leaves 
Like thousands of tiny suns arching above me
Hiding the blue sky
Bushes and saplings densely spread across the ground
Showing off their own vibrant palettes

And in the gap between the leaves of the sky and soil
The low sun peeks through
Creating a kaleidoscope of diamonds and jewels dancing on the river's surface
Reflecting their brilliance into my eyes

With each soft breeze 
Leaves flutter twist and float downwards
Touching gently upon the river

Already they’ve changed the course of this river 
Creating seasonal dams and barriers
Amassing around stones and fallen branches 
Clustering in the eddies and swirling pockets along the banks
Its current switching back and forth
Yet always finding a way

Beneath the surface 
Some leaves have settled down 
Laying amongst their decaying siblings
Others spin past 
Tumbling end over end in a slow majestic dance

Occasionally 
A leaf tip pokes above the surface 
As if coming up for a quick breath of air
Only to dive back to continue its journey

Others remain on the river’s surface
Their dry bent bodies sticking awkwardly into the air
And catching the breeze 
Sail upstream against all odds

I hold the marigolds close
Touching my head and heart
Breathing their beauty in
I offer them with my words
To the currents 
To the river
To not be afraid
To not feel small
To not hurt

They bob and spin 
Drifting along without urgency
Without a plan
Some flow downstream out of sight
One nestles quietly along the bank
Another, stem raised as if a sailess mast,
Somehow catches the same breeze and flows upstream
Adding its audacious orange to the thick dam of Autumn leaves

Something in me moves too
Against the odds
I rise
Butt a little sore 
Heart still tender
But somehow I’m all alright 
I return home 

It was hard sometimes to let your love in.
It carried so much along with it. 

I saw and felt your bright smile and shining eyes,
like from a small shy child looking up at her older brother,
heart full and hopeful.
You seemed so fragile in those moments,
even though I was the younger one.

You fought so hard, for so long, to be well,
struggling to live and not live like this.
Through hospital visits,
procedures,
specialists,
an ignorant medical system,
relapse upon relapse,
you fought through it all
like defiant storm waves relentlessly pummeling granite cliffs, coastal rock shores, and soft sandy beaches.
Something’s gotta give.
Something’s gotta change.

Sometimes your pain and illness possessed you,
enveloping you with shame and stubbornness, 
despair and solitude.
You would disappear for days.

Sometimes you sought more,
sought peace.

Sometimes you simply said,
“I can't live like this anymore”.

I don't know when I started preparing myself for your death,
as all of this,
all of you,
slammed into me, 
just like those waves,
over and over.

The end was still a surprise.
The end still broke my heart.