Author: Enroue Halfkenny

And your task Today is the same as Yesterdays

 
And your task Today is the same as Yesterdays
Bend down and touch the Earth
Smell its life and decay
Listen to its silence and depth
Its roars and song
Its crashes and its stillness

Let this voice penetrate your heart 
Sliding past the noise of your busy mind
Trying to figure out the best strategies and tactics
Trying to manage your fragility, anger and fear

Instead 
Pour libations to your ancestors
Call to them in the sacred caves of your being
To support this journey you are blessed to be on

Let the sun bathe you 
Let the wind play on your face 
Let the ocean waves lick against your feet
Or crash against your body
Give thanks to the beings seldom seen 
Honor them and their constant love for you

Let these sacred relationships guide each step
Each breath
Send love to the soil beneath your feet 
To the air itself and the beings that surround you
Receive the love and support that they return to you as well

All of nature sings with you
Sings for you
Even as your despair and broken heart 
Tries to shield and protect you
From feeling helpless and alone

Don't forget the wonder of this life 
Because you don't know what to do
Because you are afraid
Because you are angry

Trust and feel into the present 
Today
Because this is where you are

With the Earth
The Ocean
The Wind 
The Trees
Your Ancestors 
The Divine
And each other
All Together
Because this is where you are
This is where your liberation calls to you
Today

We are the holders of hope

 
We are the holders of hope
Not imagined and wishful
Not ephemeral or wistful

We hold in our hearts the reality and wonder of life
The beauty and treasure that is here 
Every moment
Every breath

We know this 
Just as we know its opposite
The places of fear and despair
Of violence and suffering
Of hopelessness

We have lived with such emptiness
We have touched the terror of the deep dark 
We understand its cultivation by the very society we have been raised in
And yet we are still committed to being here
In this life 
With this life

We know this precious life is stronger
Softer and stronger
Tender and stronger 
Brighter and stronger
More powerful and expansive than the tiny world created by those who would try and blind us
By those who would like us to forget

We know the light of the sun of the day and the stars at night
We know the light of our heart and our spirit
The light that guides through the deep dark
The light of liberation 
Of change
Of life itself

This is what shines in each and every one of us
This is what keeps us seeking the way home 
To remember the wholeness of who we are
To feel the rightness of what life has for us
What the trees have for us
What the ocean and bees
The birds and mountains
The children and elders
The rivers and dragonflies
The wind and rain and snow
What all of our relatives 
Our ancestors
Our communities 
Have for us

We know 
Even when most are running head first towards an illusion
To a nightmare of death and destruction
Of numbness and consumption
To a house on fire 
Where instead of seeing what is real and what is not
Instead of listening to the whispers of their hearts 
They run towards a dream they have been sold 
But is not and never was theirs to have
Where they fight over which room is the finest 
With the best view
The biggest tv
The softest sheets

We know instead
To keep holding on to this precious life
This precious light
Cupped protectively in our sometimes shaking hands

We know 
To sing and live and share it as we can
To keep it alive 
To place it with reverence deep into our hearts
Like weathered fingers planting seeds into fertile soil
For that is what it asks us to do

Go to the river she lovingly said

 
Go to the river she lovingly said
There's no need to push
Plenty of time before they come

My heart is in shambles
Obviously so
So I go

I bring offerings
Audaciously orange marigolds
Respectfully plucked from the front of our home
Their pungent odor lingering on my fingers
Forcing me to recognize their power

Forest and mountain hold the river close
Hard rocks perch along its banks
Here the river is gentle and quiet
There it is tumultuous and loud
It all seems a rush
I sit down

Late daylight illuminates the yellow leaves 
Like thousands of tiny suns arching above me
Hiding the blue sky
Bushes and saplings densely spread across the ground
Showing off their own vibrant palettes

And in the gap between the leaves of the sky and soil
The low sun peeks through
Creating a kaleidoscope of diamonds and jewels dancing on the river's surface
Reflecting their brilliance into my eyes

With each soft breeze 
Leaves flutter twist and float downwards
Touching gently upon the river

Already they’ve changed the course of this river 
Creating seasonal dams and barriers
Amassing around stones and fallen branches 
Clustering in the eddies and swirling pockets along the banks
Its current switching back and forth
Yet always finding a way

Beneath the surface 
Some leaves have settled down 
Laying amongst their decaying siblings
Others spin past 
Tumbling end over end in a slow majestic dance

Occasionally 
A leaf tip pokes above the surface 
As if coming up for a quick breath of air
Only to dive back to continue its journey

Others remain on the river’s surface
Their dry bent bodies sticking awkwardly into the air
And catching the breeze 
Sail upstream against all odds

I hold the marigolds close
Touching my head and heart
Breathing their beauty in
I offer them with my words
To the currents 
To the river
To not be afraid
To not feel small
To not hurt

They bob and spin 
Drifting along without urgency
Without a plan
Some flow downstream out of sight
One nestles quietly along the bank
Another, stem raised as if a sailess mast,
Somehow catches the same breeze and flows upstream
Adding its audacious orange to the thick dam of Autumn leaves

Something in me moves too
Against the odds
I rise
Butt a little sore 
Heart still tender
But somehow I’m all alright 
I return home



Grief is not subtle

 
Grief is not subtle
Pressing against my hearts doorway
I choose to feel it

I sit beneath you
Elder oak with wounds old and new
Still growing, like me

With my breath, you breathe
I open up, draw deep, like roots
My hearts cracks, tears flow

Grief shatters the world
Wind blows, leaves fall, hawks soar higher
How are these all true

It was hard sometimes to let your love in.

 
It was hard sometimes to let your love in.
It carried so much along with it. 

I saw and felt your bright smile and shining eyes,
like from a small shy child looking up at her older brother,
heart full and hopeful.
You seemed so fragile in those moments,
even though I was the younger one.

You fought so hard, for so long, to be well,
struggling to live and not live like this.
Through hospital visits,
procedures,
specialists,
an ignorant medical system,
relapse upon relapse,
you fought through it all
like defiant storm waves relentlessly pummeling granite cliffs, coastal rock shores, and soft sandy beaches.
Something’s gotta give.
Something’s gotta change.

Sometimes your pain and illness possessed you,
enveloping you with shame and stubbornness, 
despair and solitude.
You would disappear for days.

Sometimes you sought more,
sought peace.

Sometimes you simply said,
“I can't live like this anymore”.

I don't know when I started preparing myself for your death,
as all of this,
all of you,
slammed into me, 
just like those waves,
over and over.

The end was still a surprise.
The end still broke my heart.

We stood huddled in a semblance of a circle

 
We stood huddled in a semblance of a circle,
leaning against our neighbor or standing alone together,
honoring all that had died in her passing.

Rain wept from a gray shrouded sky,
and though we thought we were protected 
beneath the thick canopy of maple and hemlock,
there was no solace to be had. 
Heaven’s grief still reached us 
with heavy drops touching shoulders, thighs and stone.

We were a mess.
Eyes blazed red.
White tissues were soaked with salty tears and mourning snot
or were twisted and wrung to keep fingers busy.
The world cried with us as we spoke to her, 
to each other, 
to ourselves.

Reluctantly, we buried a part of her with overturned trowels.
A small hole for a large spirit.

Finishing what we never wanted to start,
the circle tightened.
Hands and hearts and hips touched. 
Heads bowed.
No one alone.

Singing of her gifts, 
her spirit reminded us of our own wildness, courage, tenderness and presence, 
and planted a seed in each of our hearts
to nourish.

The circle unfurled and we lived on.

Humans are so loud sometimes

 
Humans are so loud sometimes
Our billboards, notifications, LED lights
HDTVs, brand names, addictions and consumerings
Our cars, trucks, guns and houses 
Our street lights, our highways
Our airplanes and airports and cities
Our poverty, pain and avoidance
Our wealth, desires, longings and emptiness

Invisible in their glaring audacity 
Silent in their cacophony
Like the summer fan we no longer hear
in the relentless heat
Like the air we breathe
When we’re able
Like the soundtrack of our lives 
thrumming in our speakers, headphones and earbuds
Drowning out the world around us 
Insulating us 
Imprisoning us

All this we choose 

It makes the quiet hard to hear
Hard to find the still spaces where all things emerge
The beneath it all
The ground that's always there
Patient
Alive
Ready to sit with us 
Walk with us
Run and lay down with us
Laugh and grieve with us
Love and be with us
Reveal to us
Our place in this dance
This song
Or at least the next step or breath to take

Let us sometimes choose this

To listen to the beneath it all 
and see where we end up
Instead

Grandpa, when I heard you wrote love poems

 
Grandpa
When I heard you wrote love poems
Something inside 
Deep and secret 
Rejoiced

You were funny
Loved to get into tickle fights
Wore a mischievous grin just like mine 
or was it the other way around

You survived the violence of white men
Whose ignorance and fear tried to destroy you
Doctors thought you'd die
Then that you’d never walk again

You showed me the scars in your arm 
Where screws held bones together 
Looking at you
Walking around just fine
You seemed indestructible

I heard of your golden gloved fists 
Skillfully a fighter
Prized and respected in the ring

Later I heard of these same fists
Brown and bloodied
Keeping your mother and siblings safe from your father’s violence

My dad told me our fighting 
Was always about protecting
Family
Community
Beloveds

He told me another story
Of you arguing with Grandma
And walking out so as not to bring your fists to bear 
Instead you walked
And found other men to fight
To hurt

So I learned a confusing path of manhood
This confluence of love and violence
Men fighting men
To protect women and children
Men fighting men
To not beat women and children

Grandpa
When I heard you wrote love poems
Something inside 
Deep and secret 
Rejoiced

Maybe there was more to our manhood 
More to our hearts  
Than hardening ourselves for the violence
The hurt
The isolation
The rejection 
That’s also here

Compressing it all in
Balling it up
Tighter 
Like a fist
Seeking release 
Seeking something
Anything
To match the depth and volume of that pain

Instead 
Maybe 
Our manhood 
Our hearts 
Could reveal something deeper
Our courage
To feel
To be open
To find the words to rejoice at the wonder of this precious life
To voice our love and tenderness
Even as the conditions of violence try to tear our flesh
And break our bones

This blessing of manhood you also left for me
To continue the story 
Of our lives 
Our loves
Our courage
Our tenderness
Our wonder

Tired

 
Tired 

Another day
No insight 
No clarity

I want to know why

Sad 

Another day
No insight 
No clarity 

I want to know why

Heavy hearted 

Another day
No insight 
No clarity 

I want to know why

Pressure 
Make it all better
Do something
Say something
Don't be dragged down
Be positive
Help others

And so on
And so on
All the things
All the tired and sad and heavy things
All the pressure

And somehow

Don't worry
You don't have to figure it all out

Like your simple and sacred breath
It’ll all come and go

Don't worry
You’ll be alright

There is a shakiness deep in my bones

 
There is a shakiness deep in my bones 
As my feet touch the soil of my homeland
There is a press of ancestral bodies 
Pulsing against the boundaries of my flesh and spirit 
Crowding to feel into this life and time and place

And the River calls to me
Here I am
You know me
Don't be scared

You have been here before
Not in your dreams nor in places of dark fear
But in body and heart
Flesh and spirit
In your wholeness you were here
Let the reality of this place touch you and remind you 
You are always home

Be here
Be bright 
Let your spirit and being shine
In your fullness and love

Let words come and go
Let stories come and go
Freely and courageously
Naming fear and pain and violence 
Naming care and connection
Of a love so deep 
And a hurt so sharp
All in the same breath 
All in the same touch

Let the yearning and longing flow freely my friend
Like the river 
The one you come to again and again
The one who sings 
Roar and be calm
Release and receive
Sing with us 
With all the Rivers

These are our reminders of who you are