Are my tears enough
Do their salty waters nourish anything
Is my heartbreak even relevant
When bodies disappear and bullets shred
Does tenderness hold up to tyranny
As masked and unmasked men seek to grind us under tightly laced boots
Is there anything to gain from the rage
The despair
What keeps the night riders away
I don't have the answer
But I will not let them win
I will not sacrifice the beauty of this life
The wonder of this life
On the altar of war
I will not put down my heart
To pick up the gun
I have to find another way
Different from what I've been taught
By patriots and revolutionaries alike
Instead
I will listen to the fall of snow
The soaring of the hawk
The growth of the pine and the oak
I will feel the sun and moon and stars on my face
I will sing with the ocean
The sand
The stone
I will taste love
And laughter
And tears
And I will smell hope
And kindness
And the wonder of it all
I will look into the hearts of my armored brothers
Seeing their humanity, fear, confusion
And yearnings
I will stay here, through it all
Weeping, raging, listening, feeling, singing, tasting, smelling, seeing, yearning
Here, through it all
Author: Enroue Halfkenny
What if the earth was vengeful
What if the earth was vengeful
What if she chose to rage against us all
whether we ignored her
loved her
turned from her
towards her
harmed her
cared for her
raped her
exploited her
ravaged her
tore from her
disappeared her children
extincting them
genociding them
or not
What if she fought back
said enough is enough
You
people
have betrayed my trust
violated our sacred pact
for the last time
You
my children
you are not welcome here anymore
I can't continue to support you
enable you
as you run blind on this path of destruction
I can't trust you anymore
Every time I welcome you back
you take and take
Take advantage of my love
of my desire
my yearning
my need
to see you well
and whole
and filled with the beauty of this life
Each time
you choose
to steal from me to fill some hole within
You choose
to forget yourself
You choose
to isolate
wall off and hide
I don't know
what makes you run so far from the good
I don't know
what makes you despair so
I don't know
what lured you away
and broke your heart
broke your spirit
broke your connection to me
to all that is
to yourself
I am and have always been here
My heart breaks to see you this way
to know I cannot fix this thing in you
without your help
You must choose to face it
to feel it
to hope for something you have lost hope for
But instead
you choose
to stay on this other path
demonstrating what you really want
demonstrating what you will kill
and die for
time and again
I will not wait anymore
I will not allow death and despair into my heart and home
I will no longer welcome you to the tender places
the delicate places
the sacred places
the places of wonder and mystery
What you have brought to me
I will return to you
What you have planted
I will let you reap
What you have made toxic
I will let you drink and eat from
What you have despoiled
I will let you dwell in it
What you have killed
I will let haunt you
I will not reach through the fog to pull you out
If you choose to come home to stay
you must prove your worth
for I cannot trust your words
You must show me the sacrifices you are willing to make
Offer them to me in thought, action, prayer, flesh and spirit
Show me
again and again
and then again
Maybe I will listen
But until then
you will be left to your own devices
I will wait
and watch
with a broken heart
as all that you have betrayed
turns against you
As all that cared for you
now brings pain and suffering
As all that you have hunted
hunts you
As all that you have held dear
is rent from your grasp
As every path
leads to a dead end
to a pit
to a place of darkness and despair
as your beloved are clear cut before you
as your relatives are strip mined
as your breath and body is poisoned
as you are shunned by all of creation
Your ears will hear no song
You tongue will taste no sweetness
You bodies find no softness
Your hearts will find no reflection
Your ancestors will have no place to rest
Your spirits will cry and cry and cry
in the deep silence of the life you have created
We will leave you alone
all alone
so you can be
sovereign
independent
free
And we shall see how you fare
without us
Goodbye
my child
What if the earth was vengeful
What if she chose to rage against us all
Let us bow down deeply
in thanks and gratitude
Let us bow down deeply
that she still loves us
Let us bow down deeply
again and again
and again
Something’s digging at me
Something’s digging at me
Something in the deep dark
Heavy and relentless
Yet somehow surrounded by beauty
Surrounded by light
Wonder and magic
Surrounded by sacred forests and rivers and mountains
Its in there
That something
It confuses my speech
Gangles my heart and I'm lost as I talk about my dad and his dad and his dad and his dad
All of these fathers pushing something along
Pulling something along
I don't understand it but I begin to feel it
The rhythm of it
I begin to see it
Begin to see them
Backs bent
Arms and necks and legs
Straining to keep it moving
Sweat on black skin
Dripping off of furrowed brows
Pouring down worked bodies and work clothes
Dirty and worn through
Rolling this thing from the deep dark
Pushing it
Pulling it
Heavy and relentless
On train tracks stretching to the horizon
These fathers
Forgot they were sons
Forgot their heartbreak
Now, they work together
Forever and ever
Never resting
Never saying “Enough”
Never saying enough
“Just keep pushing
Pulling
In sync
Together
Find the rhythm
Come
Do as I do
Move it along
Get it further on down the line
It’s our duty
For all of us
For the future
For our children
Our beloveds
Our people
Don't lose sight
Keep going
Don't look up
Don't look round
Keep pushing
Pulling
Just one foot in front of the other”
I feel the rhythm calling
Feel it heavy and relentless
But where are the children
The beloveds
The people
All I can see are Fathers
The tracks
The weight
Their arms and legs
And backs
Strained and bent
Ropes wrapped around fists
Slick with blood and sweat
Binding them to this thing
Heavy and relentless
The tracks shiny and sweaty
Like their bodies
Forged from blood and sweat
Hammered into shape
Set on a path
Straight and narrow and vanishing into the future
This is what they are calling me to join
This is the burden they tell me is mine
Is in my sweat and blood
Is in brotherhood
In fatherhood
They say
“This is what we have chosen to do
Been chosen to do
You are built for this
Strong and committed
Like us
Join us
Push it along
Pick up the rope
Pull it
Towards the horizon
The future
Step by step
Together
We can’t lose our momentum
We can’t quit
It is heavy and relentless”
I speak to them finally
Nervous
“I see you and I see how far you’ve come”
They interrupt
“No” they say
“Don’t” they say
I speak again
“I see you and how far you’ve come
I'm not sure that path is for me
I'm not sure it’s is for you
I'm not sure it’s for anyone
I see how far you’ve come
But where are you
Where are your children
Your beloveds
Your people
Where are your fathers
Where are your sons”
They pause in their pushing and pulling
At a truth they have always known
But could not carry
They wipe their brows
Lean against the thing that has dug at us all
Heavy and relentless
They drop and sit on the rails
Heads down
Chests heaving
Fathers look around and squint at the sun
Turn and squint at their sons
Turn and squint at their fathers
They turn to me
I think they judge me
Think I'm not courageous enough
Strong enough
Committed enough
To take on this burden
Heavy and relentless
I think they say
“So you think you know something”
But they don't
They come to me
Hold me
Hug me
Cry and laugh with me
Pick me up in their pride and joy
Dance with me
Pray with me
And with light hearts
They step into me
Tall and small
Bent over and upright
And we turn
Together
Away from the tracks vanishing towards a future
Away from the thing heavy and relentless
Towards a sacred forest that has lined these tracks
Unseen until now
A forest that has yearned to reclaim us
Repair us
Welcome us
We step onto the soft earth
A new path
An old path
Leading us home
Together
The stillness of winter is gone
The stillness of winter is gone
Bursts of color
Audacious in their tenderness and declarations
Now reign
See me
Smell me
Pay attention
Birds call and feed and build nests and mate and soar and dive
They too declare
I'm here
Loud and proud
But there is stillness here too
The gliding of the hawk
The poise of the egret
The pause in between the doings
To notice all of this life
Unfurling of flowers
Hovering of bumblebees
Tender leaves bright and soft
Skin warming beneath a brilliant blue sky
A smile between friends
So much nourishment
So much available to be taken in
Yet living on whether we notice or not
Let us not rush past
With our ideas and tasks
Heads craned forward
Blinders on
Missing that which matters most
Only to mourn it when its gone
On this grey morning
On this grey morning
All seems bleak
All seems dead
Bare branches encased in ice
A slurry of snow coating the earth
Treacherous and slick
Hiding the hard ground
Life seems to have turned on itself
Some retreat and are able to stay inside
Cozy and warm though resentful
Others who have nowhere to go
Are battered
Burying hope
As the Earth is now buried
Such conditions we are all in
Winter is here in its fullness
But look deep
It has more to share
Its song crunches beneath feet
Crackles on branches in the shifting wind
Glistens in translucent magic
Highlighting the shapes and forms of tree limbs, bushes, evergreens
The wonder of icicles drip from everything
Cable wires, gutters and the bottoms of cars
Cold bites the face and tingles fingers and toes
Telling us
I’m here
Don’t run
Feel this too
There’s nowhere else to be
Embrace me too in this season of your life
Take care and stay warm of course
You’ll die otherwise
But don’t hate me
For I am this life too
It’s easy to rail against me
To be worried and afraid
When all seems harsh and unfair
Remember the seeming ease of other seasons
When life appeared abundant
Welcoming
Even then you needed to find your way
You still needed to be free
That hasn’t changed
Just the season
The weather
The conditions that await you
As you live day by day
Find ways to dance and smile
To love and sing
To wonder and connect
To help and get help
To tell your story and to listen to others
To build what is needed
Take down or let rot what is not
Look deep today and you’ll find the warmth you seek
Even in this season of the grey
The river was low clear and cold
The river was low clear and cold.
Its song trickled against my ears as a sharp wind pressed against my back.
The sun, shining through cloud and bare branches, warmed my face.
I heard the voice of a friend coming closer.
A trail of small people, aged 3 or 4, trailed behind her,
Holding tightly, though absentmindedly, to rings connected to a rainbow colored rope,
Keeping them together and safe.
They passed, and I got a heartful hug and lots of little waves, and hellos, and bright wide eyes, and smiling brown faces.
As soon as they got to the other side of the bridge
They stepped onto the snow covered field and my friend gathered the rope and looped the rings on her arm in a well practiced gesture.
They were off,
Screeching and running towards a super sized snow ball resting in the warming sun.
Across the field they ran and I took in the view:
Children running as much up and down as they were forward,
Boots tromping through softening snow,
Coats open and streaming behind them,
Laughing and falling, and going from here to there.
Above them, a mountain, with a rusty colored rockface stood solid.
Vultures and falcons, riding the updrafts, soared along its base and rose to its ridge line.
Their shadows dancing and flickering along the nooks and crannies of the bare rock.
Sun and clouds and wind and sky stretched over us all:
River,
Children,
Trees,
Friends.
And despite all the reasons to grieve and worry,
I laughed and my heart was filled.
Sometimes my heart expands
Sometimes my heart expands
With each breath
And I find my face
Soft and smiling
As this delicate and precious life
Leaves me speechless
And then
A leader’s palm thrust into the air
Honoring hatred and oppression
Severing any pretense of sanity
And welcoming fascism
As power was passed from one president to another
Policies rip through the country
Fear and despair in its wake
Unraveling the few structures of support
That this country was begrudgingly forced to make
To benefit all people
The sacred holds me closer
Wrapping me in its depth
Reminding my being of the expansiveness of this existence
Its beauty
Its wonder
Fortifying but not numbing me
To the horrors
Of crisis after crisis
Of tyrants
War
Rape
Abuse
Suffering
I will not lose sight of the Light
Even as hands slice through my heart
Saluting the Dark
Old wounds
Old wounds
Scarred over and healed enough
Or so I thought
Memories buried
Are never truly gone
Sometimes
When the night is quiet
Or even in the day
My body feels them
Seeping up through the layers
Pressing my doubts to the forefront
Steering my attention
Though wordless
Their whispers
Tighten my throat
And a body within a body is created
One wants to hide
Deeper into the dark
Into the silence
The other
Runs
Numb
Passing everything so fast
Nothing can ever hope to touch me
There are other ways too
Sometimes
I simply hold my self
Tenderly
Caring for that body within a body
Rocking us all gently and securely
Relaxing and expanding
With each breath
Until we are all one being again
Let us return to being curious about this life
Let us return to being curious about this life
Let us touch our hearts waiting patient and loving
Let us listen to the trees
to the birds
to the silence
Let us find our way home
Watch the squirrels
Follow the flight of the bluejay
Hear the calling of the crows
Feel the soft moss making a seat for you on the hard stone
Feel your face soften and the mask slowly slipping away
Take courage
Let it go
Someday, I will stop longing to belong
Someday, I will stop longing to belong
Someday, I will stop thinking that I don't
Someday, my mixedness will make me feel whole
Someday, I will really trust my experiences of the sacred
Someday, I will not feel small
Someday, I will trust that I have nothing to prove
Someday, I will feel enough
Someday, I will more easily allow myself to rest
Someday, I will trust the lasting presence of the sweet voice of creation even in the moments when I dont hear it
Someday, I will not judge myself so harshly
Someday, I will feel full and bright
Someday, someday will be now
Someday, they will have all happened, or not
Someday, they will not matter
Someday, I will die
Healing & Liberation Counseling 